The Lie About “Leadership and Submission” That Is Hurting Christian Marriages

Few biblical concepts have been more misquoted, oversimplified, and weaponized in marriage than the ideas of leadership and submission.

I see the fallout regularly in counseling: marriages strained not by lack of faith, but by a misunderstanding of it. The distortion usually sounds something like this: “The husband is the leader. The wife is supposed to submit. "That framing is not only incomplete—it is relationally destructive and theologically inaccurate.

Biblical Leadership Was Never About Control

Scripture does not describe leadership as dominance, authority over, or entitlement to obedience. Biblical leadership is modeled most clearly in Christ Himself.

Christ did not lead the Church by demanding submission. He led by sacrificing, serving, laying down His life, and bearing responsibility for the well-being of others.

To “lead like Christ” means:

• Initiating humility

• Taking responsibility instead of avoiding it

• Bearing emotional and spiritual weight without deflecting it

• Loving at personal cost

Anything less may carry religious language—but it does not reflect Christ.

When leadership is reduced to decision-making power or positional authority, it ceases to be biblical leadership at all.

Submission Was Never a Command to Be Enforced

Submission in Scripture is not a demand one spouse places on the other. It is not coerced, monitored, or enforced through guilt or fear. True submission is a heart-response, not an obligation.

It grows naturally in an environment where a wife feels:

• Emotionally safe

• Respected

• Cherished rather than managed

• Seen as an equal bearer of God’s image

Submission cannot be commanded any more than trust can be demanded. The moment it is required, it ceases to be submission and becomes compliance—which Scripture never elevates as a virtue.

What God Designed Was Mutuality, Not Hierarchy

The biblical vision for marriage is not one of control and compliance, but of mutual submission, shared responsibility, and sacrificial love. Leadership that demands submission is not Christlike. Submission that exists without safety is not biblical.

When these roles are distorted, the results are predictable:

• Resentment instead of intimacy

• Fear instead of trust

• Spiritual language used to silence pain

• Power struggles disguised as faithfulness

This is not what God intended for marriage.

The Healthiest Marriages Reflect This Truth

In the strongest, healthiest marriages I see, leadership looks like service—not status. And submission, when it exists, is freely given—not expected. The husband is not asking, “Am I being obeyed?” He is asking, “Am I loving well?” And the wife is not shrinking herself to fit a role. She is responding to love that feels safe, honoring, and genuine. That dynamic reflects Christ and the Church far more accurately than rigid role enforcement ever could.

Faith Should Heal Relationships—Not Harm Them

When Scripture is used to justify control, emotional neglect, or silencing, it has been misunderstood and misapplied. God’s design for marriage is not about power.It is about love that transforms, leadership that serves, and unity that honors both people fully.

If faith has been used to wound rather than restore, that deserves careful attention—not dismissal.

Healthy marriages are not built on hierarchy. They are built on love that looks like Christ.